Dating on its own can be challenging, but how do you approach a romantic relationship with someone who is, or perhaps might be, introverted? This personality aspect goes well beyond shyness or a need for quiet time, so let's take a dive into what most (but certainly not all) introverts need in order to feel loved, and to give that love back to you in spades!
Quiet Time is Absolutely Required
Let's put this one first, because it is probably the most important rule when it comes to dating an introvert, and the most universal regardless of just how introverted your sweetheart is.
Quiet time, or alone time, is an absolute must for introverts. Period, full stop, end of story. Socializing, which includes even just being around a lot of people that we never interact with, drains our mental and physical energy. Even if we enjoy spending time with people and doing exciting things with large crowds, it is very taxing on us mentally, which stresses us physically. We can function almost the same as extroverts, with one caveat: we need our quiet time to recover.
How long our quiet/alone time lasts, or what it consists of, is completely dependent on the person. Some people can take 10 minutes to meditate in their car and they are good to go, while others need a couple of hours in a completely quiet, sometimes even dark environment to center themselves. Still others might prefer to spend entire weekends alone in their apartment reading, and that recharges them for the work week ahead.
The important point is this: give introverts their quiet time and do not take it personal. This is an absolute need for introverts and they require it whether or not you are in their lives. Do not even consider any thoughts that this tendency has anything to do with you, because it has exactly nothing to do with you or your relationship.
Have Thought-Provoking Conversations
Let's be clear, thought-provoking does not mean long dialogues about philosophy, nor does it have anything to do with education or background. What introverts value is one-on-one connections and that the person they are with truly cares about what they value, even if they don't agree with it. The thing we cannot stand is empty small talk.
For example, rather than asking an introvert how their day was, try instead something like "Did you meet anyone interesting today?" or "Did anything exciting or unusual happen during your shift?" The key is to talk to them in a very personal way so they feel valued and understood, so avoid asking them questions or discussing things that you would talk about with a stranger off the street.
Plan Low Key Activities
To the introvert, lots of people = stress. This should not be confused with hermits, because introverts do want people in their lives, we just do not like to be overwhelmed by them. The absolute best way to go out with an introverted person is to plan low key (i.e. low population, low noise) dates.
Some ideas for such a date would be:
- Dinner at a small, local restaurant
- Walking around a scenic area such as a park
- Visiting a museum or art gallery
- Playing a video game or board game together (this works great virtually if it's a long distance relationship)
- Cooking a meal together at one of your homes
- Watching a movie together at one of your homes
Be Patient
Introverts take longer to warm up to people, so patience can be key in getting all of the walls to come down. Try not to rush them into sharing personal details about their lives, meaning do not bluntly ask a bunch of very personal questions, just let it come out naturally. Show genuine interest in who they are as a person, and you will be rewarded because they will feel that you are a safe space for them to be themselves. Feeling safe is a huge deal to introverts and it makes us form very strong attachments to those we do trust - so do not try to rush this step!
Give Praise When It Is Due
Like all human beings, introverts want the person they are dating to be happy when they are with them. As such, we will naturally do things that are out of our comfort zone if we feel it will make the other person happy, such as getting tickets for a concert or a sporting event that we know you would love to go with us to. We have learned to deal with crowded situations, otherwise we never would have been able to get through school or find a job, so we are certainly not incapable of putting ourselves in crowded, noisy, stressful situations.
That being said, try to recognize when your introvert takes a huge step out of their comfort zone to do something to make you happy. A simple "thank you so much for coming with me to this, I know it isn't your thing" will suffice, just make it clear that you understand and appreciate their sacrifice.
Do Not Try to Change Them
This is a good blanket rule for any relationship, really - do not try to change them! Being introverted is not a defect or a flaw, it is a personality trait. Any pressuring to get them to be more extroverted will only lead to resentment and more exhaustion, as it most likely entails forcing more socialization on the person. Besides, why are you with someone if you think they need fixing?
